O desafio de aceitar a realidade
Não sei se por algum trauma, mas odeio mentira. Digo insistentemente aos meus filhos: “Independente da burrada em que se meterem, NUN-CA mintam.” Talvez por minha notória ojeriza, dou um tom acima do normal e acabo por apavorá-los em caso de serem pegos em situações de mentira na adolescência.
Considerando ser a adolescência uma fase em que a mentira faz parte do DNA de adolescentes, me preocupei. Mais por mim do que por eles porque meu trauma certamente desencadearia uma reação potencialmente pior que o esperado quando fosse a hora de encarar uma mentira deles.
A primeira vez que peguei meu filho mentindo descaradamente, explodi. Como que ativada uma intensa urticária, agitei-me sentindo incontrolável desejo de gritar e esbravejar como uma louca desenfreada. Senti-me traída como que “ludibriada na cara dura por quem tanto confiei”, disse ressentida ao filho depois do estouro.
Prato cheio para uma sessão de análise pela ameaça de ser sugada pela aversão a mentiras e meter os pés pelas mãos com filho em formação de caráter. Assim, decidi tratar o assunto com mais consciência… e conhecimento. Enfim busquei ajuda para lidar com mentira na adolescência: pesquisei, estudei sobre a fase, troquei informações, dividi historias com outras mães de adolescentes e, por fim, cuidei de meus próprios traumas com a mentira.
Enfim, “tratada” e consciente, a intensa jornada de transformação se estendeu a mim. Passei a entender a mentira na adolescência como parte do desafio de ser mãe de adolescente. Por mais assustador que pareça, adolescentes mentem; fato. Ser mãe de dois deles me exigiu também lidar com esta realidade.
Tive ganas de gritar
Certo dia, recebi mensagem do meu adolescente pedindo que o autorizasse a sair mais cedo da escola “para estudar para a prova do dia seguinte porque não estava seguro da matéria”.
Titubeei; já havia discutido em outra ocasião:
– Não importa o que aconteça: é sua a responsabilidade de se planejar para as provas e dar conta das notas.
Apesar da habitual ladainha, autorizei… sem saber que ainda me arrependeria.
Cheguei em casa e, ao encontrá-lo no game, respirei fundo e perguntei:
– E os estudos para a prova de amanhã?
– Já estudei. Tudo certo – respondeu seguro.
– Nossa! Não precisava de tanto tempo assim, então! Poderia ter ficado para as aulas normalmente e estudado depois que chegasse em casa, certo? – perguntei com ironia.
– Não, mãe! Que saco! Deu tempo porque cheguei mais cedo e agora posso curtir um pouco.
O diálogo era potencialmente explosivo. Mas, ao contrario do que pode estar pensando, demonstrei minha decepção, virei as costas e saí sem gritar ou discutir. A novidade final foi que filho sentiu a mudança… mais que mil palavras e duras discussões.
Decerto que precisei lidar com minha irritação. Sem dúvida, tive ganas de gritar horrores, puni-lo, comprar briga mas seria mais um conflito sem resultado a longo prazo. Em vez disso, a reflexão: como lidar com a mentira na adolescência? Será isso um preditivo à desonestidade?
Por ora, bastava-me pensar sobre a questão. No momento certo, trataríamos do assunto de uma forma mais eficaz.
Aproveite nossa página do Facebook e compartilhe mais experiências: Clique aqui!
Por que adolescentes mentem?
Admitir que meu filho adolescente mentia foi difícil mas me ajudou a desvendar melhor o adolescente de forma geral. Também eu adolescente menti e, lembrar disso me levou a buscar o porquê e as situações em que assumia este comportamento.
Pensar como filho abriu-me novos caminhos de como lidar com a mentira na adolescência, agora como mãe de dois. As conclusões, de tão óbvias, me surpreenderam e também me aliviaram de preocupações desmedidas e traumas inconsistentes.
Afinal, adolescentes mentem porque:
– não querem ter problema;
– não querem fazer o que você quer/espera/manda/determina, etc.
– querem fazer o que você não quer/espera/manda/determina, etc.
E, ainda assim, esperam a confiança dos pais! O cenário parece caótico e incoerente mas… a adolescência é isso: gostemos ou não, esta é a realidade de pais de adolescente. Entender a dinâmica e exercitar a empatia (pensar como adolescente, neste caso), me ajudou a descobrir forma madura e equilibrada de como reagir às invariáveis situações com sabedoria.
Mentira na adolescência… reeditada
Lidar com mentira na adolescência é teste dos mais desafiadores aos pais. Na maioria das vezes, tememos o comportamento como ameaça ao caráter em formação. Mas, não demora muito e a situação surge… de novo:
– Mãe, tenho um trabalho pra entregar amanhã e não terminei. Posso sair mais cedo hoje? – perguntou (o cara de pau).
– Acho que não; quando chegar em casa, você finaliza. – respondi objetiva e tranquilamente.
– Mãe, não vou conseguir! Vou ficar com zero na nota por sua causa! Não vou conseguir terminar, não vai dar tempo porque chego em casa no fim da tarde e… – blá blá blá; a ladainha também já conhecida.
– Sinto muito e entendo sua aflição, filho, mas sei que consegue. Da próxima vez, você se planeja melhor; beijo – me despedi interrompendo qualquer possibilidade daquela troca de mensagens ganhar eco.
4 dicas úteis de como lidar com mentira na adolescência
Não se trata de não confiar em filho adolescente mas de manter-se alerta sobre mentira na adolescência que, certamente, surgirá. Nessa hora, assegure-se de agir diferente do habitual (com punições e fúria): use de sabedoria. E, se puder te ajudar com uma sugestão, divido contigo algumas atitudes úteis que deram certo comigo e que, espero, também te sirvam como caminho de uma mudança eficaz.
São elas:
1- Mostre sua decepção e se afaste sem ataques de fúria para recobrar as forças. Ao pegá-lo mentindo, mostre que sabe que mentiu mas não lhe dê margem a discussões sobre quem está certo, errado ou porquê mentiu.
2- Reavalie as decisões que tomará quando nova situação de mesmo tema ocorrer. Sim, elas ocorrerão de novo. Esteja preparada para lidar com elas segura e calmamente; sem brigas e muito menos relembrando situações passadas.
3- Não se desespere nem desista com a reincidência que, creia, ocorrerá. Ser mãe de adolescente é exercício de repetição; portanto, assuma ser mesmo trabalho cansativo e necessário de reforço constante.
4- Em nova situação e pedido de confiança, mesmo detendo informações incompletas e desconfiando de filho, decida em tom seguro e baixo o que fará, sem discussões ou riscos de cair em ciladas.
Indicadores de sucesso confirmam
Mentira na adolescência não significa potencial desonestidade de filho: adolescentes mentem e você também já mentiu. Nem por isso se tornou mau caráter. Consciente disso, mantenha certo ceticismo, dê um desconto ao que filho diz, desconfie um pouco e… tudo bem. Ele crescerá, amadurecerá e, naturalmente, isso muda.
Lidar com mentira na adolescência é uma realidade inexorável de onde também se pode colher aprendizado. A experiência mostrou que lidar com as mentiras de filhos me tornaram mais consciente para agir com sabedoria em vez de impulsivamente igual à maioria dos pais.
Se este é o caminho ideal, não sei mas, sem dúvida, mudou a dinâmica com filhos adolescentes. Passados alguns apertos (de ambos os lados), eles não tem se dado mais tanto ao trabalho de mentir. Estão crescendo, amadurecendo e, naturalmente, confirmando o prognóstico: mudando. Os indicadores, enfim, falam por si sem mentiras: com a verdade.
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